Nature's love

A friend from the other side of the world was wandering through a corn field one day.

She lay down spontaneously between a row of corn stalks, before she realized a love-shaped hole on one of the leaves, courtesy of some 'lovely' pest.

This was taken in July this year. I kept the picture all this while, waiting for the right moment to release it.

Maybe the time has come. Maybe I should let it all go...

A session with Dr Ooi Kee Beng

I was in Borders this noon, to attend a brief public session with Dr Ooi Kee Beng.

An established writer, his books cover a wide range of topics, but he focuses more on local politics. His biography of the late Tun Dr Ismail abdul Rahman, also our former deputy prime minister, caught my attention in 2007.

"The Reluctant Politian : Tun Dr Ismail and his time" was published serially in a segment in Malaysia-Today. It chronicles the life of Dr Ismail, dubbed "the man who saved Malaysia" for his actions as the home minister in the period succeeding the tragic May 13 racial riot of 1969.

Dr Ooi is a fluent speaker of English...his spoken English is as good as his writing. He speaks out his mind naturally, and delivers his idea in such subtlety...it was a privilege to hear him in person. He talked about being a good writer...the do and dont's, deriving points from his own experiences.

But frankly, the crowd was very poor in number. There were empty seats everywhere...I seated at the far back. I was the only Malay present...sandwiched between a row of two young Chinese and a family of an Indian.

"My books" said Dr Ooi "were published mainly in Singapore".

"We have to master the language, not to let the language to master us. Sometimes we think we already mastered the language, but it's not the case. We've become the slave of the language"

"Sometimes, we have to rewrite the whole chapter. There were times when the idea seems to stray from the intial argument"

"We need to concentrate on one page at a time. That's how could we come up with over 300 pages book. Imagine if Nicol David was trailing 8-1 in squash...how could she win the match? By focussing on one point after another"

"The title is important as well. It keeps our focus on the main discussion. And I created all the cover of my books myself"

As Dr Ooi drove his points, I wondered how did he manage to be the man he is today. He must have been an avid reader...no way could he write a succession of good books without himself being a keen reader. He admitted he doesn't write fiction...I bet fiction doesn't interest him much.

The session ended half an hour later, and he received a couple of questions from the public. An Indian man in front of me asked about freedom of expression...whether Dr Ooi faced any scrutiny for his outright views expressed in his books.

"No...never. It is important not to criticise without substance. The way way we projected our view is also important..."

I smelled something fishy about that Indian guy. His two sons were seated next to him. From his way of talking, I know he is not from the establishment school of thought. But I let my suspicion to remain with myself.

A young Chinese man inquired about Dr Ooi's inspiration. After that, the crowd went silent...no more questions being asked. Dr Ooi looked into my eyes, and asked whether "us", the young generations, have any other questions.

I threw a smile and responded indirectly that I have nothing to ask.

Then, the said Indian guy began talking about his son, who is supposedly learning history. Of course everyone learned history in school...his action puzzled me. What was his motive? But then his motive became clearer. He began talking about distorted view in history....about heroes that shouldn't be called heroes.

That confirmed my earlier prediction that he is from the anti-establishment side. But luckily Dr Ooi handled him perfectly.

"We don't have much time in school to teach everything" said Dr Ooi.

"So it boils down to tertiary education" added Dr Ooi. I can't remember much of what was being said by Dr Ooi, because I focused my whole attention on that arrogant Indian. Lucky my spoken English is not that good...I could have shot his points down at ease if it was otherwise.

And the session ended peacefully afterwards...leaving me wondering, where are all the self-glorifying, 'liberated' Malay bloggers in the blogosphere? none were there. Are they not interested in learning some tricks to write better from the master himself?

Maybe they are already good enough. I wonder.

A dream too far...

I didn't get enough sleep last night....so this entry won't be long. I'll put a stop when my energy runs out.

Me, Amir, Hafiz and Fahmi played Football Manager throughout the night. It's mind-boggling to think that the over-aged teenagers like us, with me being the youngest, still play this addictive football game. We hardly find a good time together these days...so this is an excellent chance to make up for the lost time.

Fahmi is still his former self...he didn't change a bit. He reminds me of our younger days...when we browsed through daily life together. No worries...only happiness and excitement along the way. We made mistakes then...but things happened. It's no use crying over a spill milk.

Five years is just too short. I wonder how the elected President of America could ever achieve anything in that short period of time. Time just flies pass us without we ever realizing it.

When I was a small child, I looked upon the sky whenever a plane flew passed over my head. I wondered, then, when will I ever be on that plane? Do I stand a slightest chance, to experience the sensation of flying? If I do, what would I be then? A scientist...travelling by air to meet fellow scientists overseas? A doctorate student on board to attending an international conference?

When I first stepped up onto a plane, I ignored all the warning signs. I didn't turn off my hand phone. I didn't tighten the seat belt when the plane was about to take off (I didn't even put the belt on) When the plane was just seconds in mid air, I looked down to the vast land under me, and muttered to myself " Sorry...my younger me. I have failed you"

My only dream is to serve the nation. I'll begin by caring for myself, taking good care of my family and my immediate relatives, and reaching out for the poor and the needy as far as I can. I'd like to inspire people...to instill confidence in them, helping them realize their true potential so they could use it to the maximum effect. But judging from my current condition, maybe it's a task too tall. A dream too far.

I think I need my rest now. It's been an incredible weekend. Maybe a weekend to remember.

Dec 7, 2009
Sunday
2:49 a.m

Going Afloat...

After months of solitary confinement, I will let Pancasara float again in the blogosphere.

Some of my avid blogger friends have either abdicated or retired for good. So it's back to square one...I will become a lone blogger again.

I have so much in store....I should stress again Pancasara is my reflection of what is happening in my life. One day, when I'm gone, this is the only place where people could extract accurate and reliable information about the roller coaster ride of my life. I maintain my earlier position that 97% of the content in this blog is true.

So I need to roll up my sleeve and get ready for the bumpy ride ahead...for Pancasara's life is very different from other ordinary folks. I am an ordinary man doing ordinary thing in the extraordinary atmosphere...

The next posting should be about someone very close to my heart. I would be a long story with lots of accompanying pictures...but I'll save the details for now.

For the moment, welcome aboard, Pancasara....brave the sea, and the opportunity is as endless as the horizon...

A Homecoming...

Fahmi arrived two days ago. My best friend in my sophomore year in USM, his sudden arrival came quite as a shock for me.

The last time I met him, it was a year back. Then, I was just coming back from a rare trip to KL.

I went there by flight...my first ever experience onboard. I went straight home after that, only for Fahmi to arrive days later in USM to complete his hectic 3-week intensive study schedule. He asked me to keep him in company...as Firdaus the ‘Papa’ was unable to join him.

I took some time off in the comfort of my home before agreeing to his request. It was a short semester break in USM...and I was still plunged deep inside my depression period. I needed space and time to recover...what better way to rejuvenate yourself than being in a company of somebody who understood you inside out and shared your agony?

We were born in the same month, have a strong passion for football game, used to skip classes together, used to quarrel about petty issues, have had a fair share of betrayal from someone close to our hearts, and did stupid and useless things together.

For three weeks, we locked ourselves in our room in Indah Kembara, battling head-to-head in Football Manager. I had the upper hand over him...as I was using Liverpool (with Torres firing on all cylinders) and he was managing his obviously weakened Arsenal side. He grew frustrated with the game...and at one time, he tried to block my acquisition of Ricardo Quaresma by deliberately (and of course, desperately) launching a late bid. But he failed to land that flamboyant winger, indeed he settled for the unknown Loric Cana.

Loric Cana, then the captain of Marseille, did score against his beloved Arsenal side in the Champions League. Another player, Fernando Belluschi, which I signed, was playing with another Champions League side that night...but we failed to get a glimpse of him. Most of the young players we knew today were the result of Football Manager.

This time around, Fahmi will be here for three weeks. Much had changed since then...but some things remain the same. Not even the passage of time will change them. Hard times are ahead...I wonder what’s his plan for the future, but for an intelligent man like him, I’m sure he’s got plans already hatched for the future. It won’t be easy, but we’ll try...

Moving On...

It’s been two weeks since I moved into my new home.

I left with a mixed feeling. Of course Hamna did leave a big emotional impact on me...having been there since May this year.

But it had to be done...Hamna is just too crowded. The parking lot was packed with cars...the environment was only a bit better than awful. And not a day passed without a doubt casted on my mind about the state of the tap water. Hamna is deteriorating badly...the whole area should be demolished and rebuild from scratch.

I’ll miss that cute, cherub little Chinese girl on the ground floor. Daughter of a very young mom, that innocent look caught my attention whenever I passed through her little comfort home. She just can’t stop playing with herself. There were no less than seven people packed into that house. I don’t know how they could live in that condition.

Next to the house, resides a family of Indian Muslim. They spoke alternately between Tamil and Malay. Once, they conducted a Yassin recital ceremony inside the house, with the door widely open. But religious tolerance is widely practiced here...everybody respects other’s religion and beliefs.

On the fourth floor of the building opposite mine, lives an old man of Indian origin. I suspect he is an Indian Muslim too. Everyday, he’ll sit on the balcony, with books on his hands. He’ll read and read...sometimes for three to four hours long, until late evening. He’s very old...I wonder where did he derive that insane stamina from.

Just in front of my house, lives a family of African origin. On their left is an Indian family...and an eccentric Chinese group living on their right. There was a time deep inside one late night, a young Chinese man laid unconscious in front of my house. It terrified me indefinitely...I really thought he was dead. A group of men, believed to be his friends, promptly explained to us that he was drunk. They picked him up and brought him inside their house with a burst of laughter.

It was a nostalgic moment when Ah Yong and Kamarul paid a brief visit to the house. It was there Hafiz humbled Sabri again and again in the game of football. Sabri grew tired of that and struck a boycott from the game. Amir came once in a while...to watch football or to have a simple chat with me. It was there that our relationship strengthened...I gradually learned and understood the inner side of him.

It was a memorable moment, and it left a lasting impact on my mind. I don’t know when will I visit Hamna again, but from the look of it, it just won’t happen in the near future. Thanks for all the memories, Hamna...you’ll be out of sight, but not out of my mind...

The Accuracy Of Death...

What if you know when will you die? If the exact date of your death was told in advance, what will you do just before death come calling?

When I was diagnosed with some kind of disease a year ago, I thought it was just a minor issue. Nothing to worry about...I can continue living my life. Read books, watch movies, play badminton, brush up my squash skills, eat extra meals, surf internet, sleep, dream, sleep again, and work part-time.

Since I was a small child, I was blessed with a great health. I never really contracted major disease, a stark contrast with my sister. Before she turned 7, she was diagnosed with blood cancer (popularly known as Leukemia). Mom and dad tried hard to save her, they gave out their best. One day, an anonymous guy miraculously saved her through blood donor, but mom and dad failed to find that godsend guy. We could never thank him enough for his deed.

When I was in secondary school, sister was caught with another fatal disease. This time around, her lung was found to be filled with water. She had this bad habit of bathing at night. She suffered terribly...and she kept on fighting to survive. She told us she felt very sharp pain whenever Doctor gave her injection...she was running out of tears to cry. She managed to survived this fear eventually...and was discharged off.

From that point onwards, she never really contracted any major disease.

When I was in standard 1 or 2, I accidentally cut my finger. The wound was quite deep, but I hid my hand behind my back, and asked permission from my teacher to go to toilet. On the way out, I showed my bleeding finger to Busra, and she was rightly shocked. I washed my bleeding finger with clean water. Although it wasn’t bleeding profusely, the blood just can’t stop flowing out, and I started to feel out of consciousness. I sat down beside the pipe...and almost fall asleep.

I cheated death on more than one occasions. One day, somewhere in 1993 or 1994, in the middle of a heavy downpour, I recklessly crossed a road. A speeding car came just within a striking distance...even to this day, I still can’t believe my luck. I’d be dead for sure if luck wasn’t on my side that fateful day. And I attributed that luck to God, He still wanted me to continue living and repent whatever sins I’ve committed.

There was one time, I rode my father’s bike so fast in the middle of the night. It was early 2004, and out of nowhere, there’s a voice in my head telling me that something was wrong at the end of the road. I continued speeding while trying very hard to figure what my unconscious mind is trying to tell me. To my horror, the road split into two directions, forming a junction. And there was a river on both sides of the roads. I applied the break just seconds before the splitting road, and it saved my life. I lost control of my bike, went to the ground...but fortunately I escaped that incident injury-free.

There were numerous other occasions where I should be fatally injured...but somehow I managed to dodge all the bad luck. To this date, my bones are never been broken...I keep my frail body in the best condition. I exercised, keep my diet in check, regulated my sleeping hours, and keep my brain recharged by reading good materials. All these are crucial to maintain a good health.

But there were times when things are out of your control. Some ripples turned into a massive tidal wave, a spark turned into a raging fire...these kinds of things disturbed us endlessly. It disrupted our pattern...and we morphed into something else. Something unthinkable...out of this world. It forced us to be somebody else...even thinking of doing foolish thing.I know the matter of life and death is in God’s hand...but I’d be happy if I could live past 60. That time was enough to accomplish my dreams...


Written somewhere around 2007, I found this piece stacked alongside my other unpublished articles in my hard disk.

Inspired by a Japanese movie with the same title (which I never watched), I began writing...but it sent chill to my spine whenever I went through this piece. The thought of suicide was very close to my mind...all the things that surrounded me during that period seemeed too much for me to stomach.

Thank God nothing happened...

On Second Thought, Maybe No...

I was awakened by a loud ring coming from my newly acquired mobile phone.

A locally made brand, CSL stands for Commitment, Service and Loyalty (not Chua Soi Lek) It was bought by my brother from the money made available by my father. I don't even have enough money to buy my own handset...

The call was from Ah Cat...deliberately trying to reach me that early afternoon. She taught me some Hakka dialects the other day...as well as some basic Mandarin. Kyra taught me some in the past...simple words such as Ni, Pu Yao and such. Ah Yong meanwhile, had been giving me some ridiculous Chinese terms such as kannasai, kanine, lao yi, and ah kua.

China is going to rule the world in the near future...so it is imperative to pick up some basic understanding of Mandarin. The west would be fast becoming the thing of the past...our future lies in the east.

(As of 2008, US GDP stood at US$14.2 trillion, Japan at US$4.9 trillion and China was worth US$4.3 trillion. Judging from the stagnant state of Japan's economy and China's robust growth, it's not the matter of if, it's the matter of when China will overtake Japan as the second largest economy in the world. In 30 years or less, China will replace USA as the world’s superpower...at least economically)

Later I found out Ah Cat was trying to ask me out for a lunch together. It seemed like a good idea.

The last time I ventured for shopping together with friends, it was a distant time ago. It was like a fading memory now...

I am frequently on my own. Almost all the time, I think about myself, cared for my own problems. I was totally absorbed in my own world. I don't need friends to survive...I lived alone for nearly one and a half year during that "dark" period. I read lots of books to divert my attention away from that painful feeling...it had been gripping my emotion ever since.

My mind was occupied by the same memories that never seem to fade away...it's been playing again and again like a track from a tape...as if they were trying to mock me. My heart was riveted by a constant fear and anger...it never seem to subside. These have been going on and on inside me until now...

When emptiness filled your heart and soul, you'd lost any bearing of life. When your heart dies, your mind would follow through...

I need to end this deadly cycle once and for all. Going out with a bunch of underage teenagers seems like not a very bad idea. Of course they are raw and young...and have little understanding of life. They have no clue what is waiting for them in the horizon...

"KFC…is it alright?"

"Movie on Monday...is it ok? That 3D cartoon quite interesting…what's the title?"

"Let's buy some snacks!"

And the most bizarre of them is...

"You want to follow us to Genting? 2D 1N...RM 80 only!"

Genting? By themselves? What the...? Kids nowadays are so advanced...

Despite my tendency to be alone, I'm strictly not a puritan. Nor do I believe or follow the puritan attitude of life. Life should be enjoyed as it is. Having a bit of fun isn't dangerous to one's future...as long as we could strike a right balance. I have endured many challenges...none of it succeeded in making me weaker in any aspects. What doesn't kill me, makes me stronger.

On second thought...breezing through the shopping complex with a bunch of Chinese underage teenagers? Fuck hell no...I still have a conscience. I could well be mistakenly viewed as a child trafficker. I am better off sleeping...

P.S I Love You

Several months back, while waiting for GSC to be ready for seating, a friend of Malik directed all his attention into a book. His act grabbed my curiosity. The book was covered with a paper...as if he was trying to conceal the title of the book.

"He's too shy to reveal the title of the book" explained Malik. "People will laugh at him".

I found the same book on the shelf of Malik's room some time afterwards. I was planning to read "The Golden Compass" beforehand...before my hand somehow touched the book.

"Is this book...any good?" I asked Malik, in a pessimistic manner.

"It's good!" He answered...enthusiastically.

I gave him the benefit of the doubt. So I borrowed the book from him.

I don't know what's so special about this book. Some time ago, while wandering around the blogosphere looking for good stories to fill my time, I came upon a blog which bore a name of the same writer.

And in one of the scenes of the recently aired "Sumpah Bunian"...the same book was spotted in Adam's (the lead actor) room.

The book was P.S I Love You. And the writer was Cecilia Ahern.

It took me two weeks to finish this 503 pages book. The story centres around two childhood lovebirds, Holly and Gerry who love each other very much. But the unthinkable happens when Gerry passed away...leaving Holly so devastated.

But Gerry had left her a bundle of notes to guide her out of her misery, each signed "P.S I Love You"

The storyline was weak...there were loopholes here and there. There was no particular chapter that held my attention grippingly...all the chapters were mundane and ordinary. The plot was loose...for instance, Holly's holiday was abruptly brought to an end. And their straying into the open sea, the quick action of the lifeguard to save them seemed...fake.

The plus point was the unexpected ending of the novel. From the beginning, I thought Gerry would eventually end up with Daniel...but it didn't materialize. Cecilia Ahern has a penchant for muscular man...she used this term regularly to give her character a favourable outlook throughout the book. And the novel was written in simple, easy-to-understand English.

I don't see myself reading another novel by her...maybe I am just not into fiction. I am a non-fictional type of person...before this, I never read a novel in my entire life, except for a novel by Ramli Awang Murshit, Satu Janji, during my matriculation year. It was recommended by a friend. It was a refreshing, thrilling novel...the one which were full of surprises. No wonder he has such a huge following.

Non-fiction puts our feet firmly on the ground. It feeds our mind with the inner working of our world...how the world works, why something happens, and what is wrong with our actions...past or current. In this fast-paced world, we need information to keep us on par with other people. Failure to do that is an unmitigated disaster.

As for Cecilia Ahern...thank you for P.S I Love You. Although this novel was average at best, it did touch my heart and offered me some insights into the inner feeling of a girl. I heard somewhere the best way to understand a girl's feeling was through novel. And I read somewhere the most useless thing to do was to try to understand a girl's feeling...they were constantly changing...sometimes in a matter of second.

Going by the simple logic: If reading novel is the best way to understand girl, and trying to understand girl is useless, so reading novel is useless...

So no more novel after this...it's a waste of time...

20 minutes of mystery...

Sifting through a stockpile of old articles, I came across this piece...written somewhere around 2007.

If my memory serves me right, I wrote this short essay to help my then temporary roommate, Hafiz, overcoming his crucial LSP paper.

LSP is a compulsory English paper to pass in USM. Although I somehow managed to scrap through with an A, this paper continues to haunt scores of students who lacked basic understanding of English, mainly originating from rural areas.

This article struck a chord with me because it was written within 20 minutes or less…maybe a record time for me so far for serious composition. It was written in one go...no editing. Ideas were flowing freely during the process...as if some invisible mind was helping me through, and the finished article was in print the next hour. I still believe it was my subconscious mind that helped me write this article.

And no...I wasn't consuming any drug at the said time.

Hafiz is now a full-fledged officer in National Statistic Department.


Canning has been a hot topic among educators, parents as well as academicians throughout the time, particularly the last few weeks. This is no part due to the opinion of the reintroduction of canning on girls. This has created much controversy, with many quarters of parents rejected the move.

Canning is used as a last resort to maintain order in schools. Schools nowadays are way very different compared to 20 or 30 years ago. There are all sorts of influence on teenagers these days...including overwhelming reach of internet, trendy gadgets, and booming culture that is not originated from our country.

This prompted school authority to ban certain things that are viewed as not proper to be used in school, such as the use of handset and lab top in school compound. And parents have become savvier about school regulation...particularly affecting their children.

The millennium parents are not the same as 20 years ago, where they leave their children completely at the hand of their teachers. They have become more protective regarding their children...and this has caused much difficulty for respective teachers. Teachers are aware that they may face unknown consequences from parents should they go on with the corporal punishment, but the need to keep their students in check over their behavior.

Some things change over a period of time, but some things just remain the same. In the case of canning, it is still viewed as necessary, particularly to control the 'mischievous' students. If they commit mistakes or improper conduct and neglected the teachers first and second warning, so what should the teachers do next?

Although the same punishment on girls are highly controversial, but canning punishment on boys should remain. But the punishment should be carried out in closed doors, as public canning would leave them with negative psychological effects, and they may become rebellious too.

Canning is a last resort to correct our students, as it shows they have done something wrong and to show the seriousness of their offense to the school regulations.

Some parents may object the punishment, as they viewed it as unnecessary. And they are scared for their children safety as well. Undeniably, all parents think their children are a good person, and they"ll defend their children no matter what. This in no part due to a student being a good child at home...so how come they can break certain school regulation?

Certain pupils have these kind of dual personality...they are so quite at home but can be abrasive in schools. So teachers have to react swiftly to prevent them from disturbing other students.
The same procedure (canning) has worked for enormous people...including individual that turned out to be doctors, lawyers and other professionals nowadays.

Ask any of them, and majority will answer canning is some sort of punishment that made them into what they are today. If the same punishment worked in the past, there's no reason why we should stop the practice now. It is for the betterment of our young generation, the leaders of tomorrow.

Resurface?

I've been tinkering with the idea of floating my blog again...after a prolong hibernation period.

All this while, I gave Pancasara his much needed rest. He's fully recharged now...eager to face the new world, with a new belief.

I don't want to rush him back too soon...maybe after a couple more postings, he'd be fully ready.

Face your fear. No excuses.

The Lenka Show

Catchy melody, meaningful lyrics.

So I'll give Lenka a special mention here.


Lenka : The Show

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go, can't do it alone
I've tried and I don't know why

Slow it down, make it stop or else my heart is going to pop
'Cause it's too much, yeah it's a lot to be something I'm not
I'm a fool out of love 'cause I just can't get enough

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go, can't do it alone
I've tried and I don't know why

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out, it's bringing me down
I know I've got to let it go and just enjoy the show

The sun is hot in the sky just like a giant spotlight
The people follow the signs and synchronize in time
It's a joke nobody knows, they've got a ticket to the show

Yeah, I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go, can't do it alone
I've tried and I don't know why

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out, it's bringing me down
I know I've got to let it go and just enjoy the show
Just enjoy the show

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go, can't do it alone
I've tried and I don't know why

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out, it's bringing me down
I know I've got to let it go and just enjoy the show
Just enjoy the show, just enjoy the show

I want my money back, I want my money back
I want my money back, just enjoy the show
I want my money back, I want my money back
I want my money back, just enjoy the show...

A visit from Wa

When I came back from Jitra, I noticed a car was parked just outside my house's compound. I knew straightaway that Wa had arrived.

I tried to find a decent and cheap pen drive in Jitra. The shops were still closed, leaving me with little option than to opt for a Chinese shop. They priced the new Kingston Traveler 4 Gig at RM35.

I asked Ijal whether this ranged between a reasonable price...and he thought it was. But I decided against buying it after noticing a KFC outlet offers my sought after WiFi access. WiFi is such a rarity in Jitra...unlike in Penang.

Wa...or Wa Doyah as my mom preferred to call her, is my mother's only sister. My late grandma married twice...and my mother came from grandma’s second marriage. They shared the same mother with different father. Step-sister...or whatever they called it. But mother loved her sister fondly.

Wa brought along her son. Her son is married to the niece of the famed Dato' Dr Haron Din. I was still confused why the heck my family branches were all somehow connected to PAS' top echelon. PAS deputy president, Nasharuddin Mat Isa is married to one of my aunt (not my real aunt...but somehow closely related) Ustaz Nasha regularly delivered Hari Raya sermons in my village's Musollah.

I dreaded to think if, I repeat if, I am ordained to marry this Islamic type lady in the future. Coming from a PAS' loyalist surrounding, it’s a wonder how I deviated from the tradition.

But my cousin is moderately attired. No head-to-toe covering. I am not against 'Burqa' type of lady...I'm against 'Burqa' follower who thinks they are more pious and more Islamic than the rest of us. Their behavior smacks of holier than thou attitude...which I hate a lot.

I took a bath, prepared myself and sat around them. I listened carefully to every details of their conversation. It was a joy listening to people who spoke the same native language as mine.

Outsiders often mislead that northern people speak one same dialect. It was not.

Wa and my mother were hailed from Perlis. Their dialect was a bit different from us Kedahan's, although my mother successfully assimilated through her long stay here. I was born in Kangar, but I regard Kedah as my native state, Perlis as my second state, Malacca and Penang as my third and fourth state respectively.

I remember father once chided my mother for calling a catapult (or slingshot...whatever they call it) as teghede. Father told mother that the correct term was teghebe. Later, I discovered that catapult was sometimes referred to as teghede in Perlis. Mother was not wrong after all.

There was a time in the past when I was in my relatives' village in the rural part of Arau. One of the elders there greeted me

"Mekala balik...kelih dok...?"

It sounded funny in Kedah...but that's the beauty of our dialect.

Father told one of my cute cuddly cousins to call me Pak Ngah. I wondered why Pak Ngah? Why not Pak Chaq? After all, I am the eldest.

It was then I remembered the lanky Aslan, my other cousins in Langkawi. Even though he is younger than me (turning 17 this year...living alone in Langkawi as his father is living out of retirement in Kangar. Drives around with Waja...quite a flamboyant boy) but he is the son of my mother's eldest brother. He is the rightful owner of the title Pak Chaq.

We had a simple lunch together moments afterwards. I seated with my father, uncle and my younger brother. The weather was good...it was a cloudy afternoon. I listened tentatively as father and uncle chatted away, encompassing various issues that were close to their heart.

I don't know when this kind of moment will happen again. Maybe I should spend more time at home...I've been away far too long...

Will You Come Tomorrow?

"Will you come tomorrow?" asks 16-year old Ah Cat.

I have no idea whether that is a question or a request.

For what is certain, I have works to do tomorrow. So I definitely couldn't come...even if I wanted to.

The first time I met Ah Cat, I have a mixed first impression on her. Underneath her dry personality, she looked comfortable with herself. And she looked at me as though I was an alien thrown out from the faraway outer space to live with human.

Later I found out that she is fascinated by my supposedly 'big eyes'. There were some people in the past that said I owned a pair of big eyes...although I didn't quite believe them. A senior in my former school once asked me to borrow my eyes...as if I could unplug it from my eye-socket at my own freewill.

Lai Kuan occasionally said so also.

I still remember Najwa once said I have a pair of big and curvy eyes...or in short, pretty eyes. It was a rare occasion to receive a compliment from her...and I didn't know how to appreciate it. But that was the time when the mantra "till death do us apart" still persisted among us.

My eyes are normal...whatever they may say.

I read somewhere that people with big eyes are probably 'more intelligent than average'. So do people with a large forehead. I am an average people...so I don’t have big eyes (I don't know if my line of logic is correct here) For what is certain, big eyes and big forehead don't guarantee success unless we work hard towards it.

Ah Bie, Ah Cat best friend, thought I was a Chinese. A lot of people share that misconception nowadays...something that was unprecedented in the past. Maybe because I mingled more with Chinese now compared with the past. A good friend of mine even said I looked like Yassin Brothers. Weird. Does that mean I'm a bit of an Arabic-looking guy? Great...now I can join PAS. Yess. Masuk syurga.

Big eyes are not a characteristic of a typical Chinese. If you say I have big eyes, and at the same time trumpeting that I looked like a Chinese, that's a contradiction in itself. I can't have big eyes AND looked like a Chinese at the same time. One of it must be wrong. Or both of it could be wrong.

Ah Bie asked whether I was of mixed parentage. I am a true-blue authentic Malay. My mother is Malay. My father is Malay. I knew little about my grandfather and my grandmother...but they must be purely Malay. I am fully Malay at heart and soul. And I’m very proud of that.

Ah Cat was left teary-eyed after a strong telling off from that lousy Lao Yi. It was harsh...considering she is just a teenager. She's just too young. Ah Bie tried hard to console her...she even pleaded with me to come tomorrow to keep Ah Cat accompanied.

I hope Ah Cat remains strong. I began to love her personality. Childish and cute...although she looked a bit "messy".

I won't come tomorrow...or the day after...but I'll definitely come the day after that...

Dinner, and nonsense...

Just had my dinner. It was great. In Penang, it was Kalel, Kalel and Kalel every night. We do have kitchen in my rented house, but I suck when it comes to cooking. My two housemates are quite adapt at it...they do all the cooking. And I usually do all the eating.

Before my burning passion to write diminished, I should get going. This post will only appear after I get back to Penang...so in short, I'm writing in advance.

I got a hold of my younger brother laptop. Great also...the minus side is there's no connection available. Internet connection. Other connection is good...I just played Fifa 09 this afternoon. Beat Man U 1-0. Only after being beaten like...10 times. Great. I haven't played Fifa close to ten months...after winning the much-touted Akhirat championship with ease.

Background music is also great. My younger brother has a penchant for slow music. That explains the inclusion of Leann Rhimes, BSB, N'SYNC in his hard disk storage. I don't have any particular music that interests me...although I have a soft spot for Linkin Park and Green Day. But I do listen to BSB and all those boy bands sometimes...I don't want to be a hypocrite.

My brother looked a bit different from the last time I saw him. He sported a beard...much to my envy. He is taller than me now. My second brother, who is due to sit for his PMR exam next month, has already outgrown me. The most problematic among us all, he quit school more than once. He got into fights almost on a regular basis. Father had lost any hope on him apparently...leaving me as the only member of the family who still has faith in him.

He's a bright young boy...everyone can tell it right away. The only problem is he doesn't know how to channel his talent properly. He remembers the name of all our relatives...and could recall the details of his conversation with anyone at ease...even though it happened quite a while ago. He never did any revision, reading for him is a big no-no. If only he could discipline himself and read something for a while, he could vastly improve himself.

My youngest brother is still in standard four. As I was typing this just now, he was standing right beside me...wondering what the hell I was passionately doing. I have no idea whether he understands all this or not...but as a precaution, I assumed he could. So I waited until he lost interest on what I was doing, before I continue writing. He is the most obedient, well-mannered of all...I loved him the most.

My sister, on the other hand...is complicated. A successful career-oriented woman, she is now taking a short course to improve on her salary. The other day, a day before Raya, she was busy preparing herself for the upcoming exams. She asked me to give her some lending hand in translation...as all of the materials were in English.

She scribbled down some notes as I explained certain terms and phrases to her...since finishing high school, I never saw her studying this hard. She did her own revision afterwards. The next thing I knew, she had already fallen asleep in front of the TV.

Time for action...I'll beat Man U this time around...I swear...

I knew you played Futsal...

Just outside the management office, I meet Wani. We didn’t have any conversation for about a month. She is just coming back from her long Raya holiday.

The last time we spoke, she commented about me gaining some weight. Just a few days later, she was bewildered by my sudden change of appearance.

“How come now abang look so skinny thin…?"

Weight is not an issue for me actually…man just doesn’t care much about that. Depending on my activity, I might gain some incredible extra pounds when there are no badminton/squash games…and I could shed so much weight when it is otherwise.

And I do have a strict control over my food intake…for economic and health reasons.

“My legs are aching…we played Futsal last night…Saiful was also there…”

“I know…he told me. He said he was surprised to see you turning up”

He told Wani? No wonder. They are in a romantic relationship now. Saiful knew my name through her…that explains why he could spontaneously call my name when he lofted a beautifully-crafted cross for me to convert it into a goal.

All that I managed to do was to get a comical slice touch of the ball, before it rolled out for a throw in. I am absolutely a legend for squandering that kind of chances.

We talk about Futsal…before the topic sways towards Kyra.

“Abang still message Kyra?"

“No…not for a long period. Why?”

“Me too…she rarely messages me now. I wonder how she is doing right now…”

“She’ll be ok…”

Her : ..............

Me : ...............

“Are you two, in any way possible, a declared partner?”

“No…we never declared…”

“Oh…I see…”

Me : ..............

Her : .............

As I’m about to leave the scene (there is nothing much to talk about anyway…) Wani asks me to stay for a while.

She looks hesitated. Something is holding her from revealing something to me. I don’t know what it is…but I think it is about me.

I look at Wani. No doubt she’s a beautiful young girl. She has flawless skin…not even a blemish spotted on her face…it is a near perfection. Mak cik Ani describes her as a “stunning young beauty”. She even tries to match her with one of her friend…much to my amusement. But I never told this to her.

But personally, I think Kyra is prettier. And cuter. But Najwa was the cutest.

They are bosom friends. Kyra told everything to Wani. And I told everything to Pancasara. Wani may give some insights to Kyra…but Pancasara never give any advice to me. He just stood there…as a good listener.

“Ever watched Saiful play Futsal?”

“Never…but he plays football regularly…since his younger days. How was he?”

“Quite awesome…you should see him in action. Good dribbling, brilliant ball control…I think he tops the scoring chart last night…”

“Is it? He once injured his knee…had just recovered from it…”

Wani looks excited to hear more about Saiful. She seems to forget what she's going to tell me earlier. We end up chatting for another few minutes...before Wani realizes it is about time for her to go.

That brief conversation leaves me with more questions than answers...

Of Vulgarity And Rarity...

I woke up with aching legs this morning.

When Fadir asked me whether I was interested to join his Futsal game, I gave a nodding head almost instantly. Who could resist the temptation? My last game of Futsal was a distant six months ago...even before I met Kyra.

I was at loggerheads with PhD-bound malik yesterday's afternoon. I never expected that lousy and outdated handphone could have landed me into this weird shamble. When I lost my handset through that akward incident, malik willingly offered his second handphone for my convenience. I never asked for his assistance in the first place.

Problems started to occur when his so-called friend from the land down under, Australia, wanted to contact him. I bet it was his long lost, long distance sugar daddy trying to rekindle their lost love. He won't be so freakish mad if not for that reason.

I know it's a known fact that he's an intelectual Awww, or Ah Pon, or Ah Kua, or Nyah, or whatever you may call it, but that doesn't bestow him with any vouchsafe immunity to lash out vulgar words towards his friend. All Nyah are the same, right? Tak kuasa la you. Awww.

Burid.

But I didn't retaliate against his despicable act with full gun blazing. What for? Be kind to unkind people...they may need it the most. I learned that from Iklil. I answered his vitriolic and vile words with utmost tolerance.While I deplored his act, I still regard him as one of my friends.

Back to my Futsal episode. I asked Fadir's permission to bring my own team. I have Amir and Hafiz in my mind. They would be an excellent set up in the armour of my formidable team...with me being the weakest point.

I said it before, and I'll say it again this time. I terribly suck at Futsal. My legs failed me horribly each time. But this is all for fun...so I'll give it a go. We rarely had the chance to play...everybody were so busy. No way we could give this rare chance a miss.

They booked the last slot available...just after the stroke of midnight. Rijal, who had just arrived this afternoon, wanted to join us. As it was beginning to spot, we decided to go by car.

I received a message just before we departed. It was a pleasant surprise...the message was from Shah, my squash partner. It's been quite a while since he abruptly disappeared. It must have been a tough time for him...losing his long time sweetheart the way it did. I feared I may lose him for good...what a relief to have him back. I hope he got over it by now.

More about him later.

We dropped by in Gold Coast to pick up Amir, before heading towards BJ. We were all fired up for action. Even the sporadic showers had stopped...must been driven out by our burning passion to strut our stuff.

I spotted Saiful...and a strange feeling filled me spontaneosly. We has had an awkward, if not a complicated relationship. We knew each through a third party...mine through Kyra and him through Wani. I didn't have a clue what Wani told him about me...but Kyra told nice things about him to me.

I don't really care what other people were talking behind my back. I know myself. And I know myself better than any of them. I'm no angel...I made mistakes here and there. But as long as I don't bad-mouth other people, I'm quite happy with my life. We can't really control people's perception on us.

The game started...but I struggled to adapt to their technically superior skills. Their ball control, passing, and movement were excellent...I was made to look like a fool most of the times. I ended up being a goalkeeper (voluntarily)...letting in no less than ten goals in the process.

But overall I was happy with the game...although I was not satisfied with my own performance.

Change the ball into a Prince Hornet TF racquet, and the turf into a three-wall concrete with a fiber-glass back door. Maybe, just maybe....it would be a bit of a different story...

Back From Oblivion...

I decided to come back from my semi-retirement oblivion... :)

It's been a long and refreshing rest. Sorted few things out...but some pressing issues ( lingering and nagging issues...of course) were left unattended. Maybe I'll chew it all over in the next couple of weeks.

I revised my whole life so far...revisited some nostalgic places that were close to my heart...and read droves of inspiring books. Re-read the whole postings of my blog (including drafts...and corrected some of the obvious grammar mistakes. Need to continuously brush up my deteriorating grammar)

All this while, I realised I was not being honest enough about things. Need to change on that. And I delved into one good blog...written by someone who's been blogging since she was like, sixteen. (When I was sixteen, Internet was my farthest dream. How time had evolved since then...)

And I also decided to pull Pancasara from public view momentarily. He too, I think, needs a bit of a rest :)

It's a new beginning...I'll savour this moment for a while... :)

Let The Game Begin!

After a very long and tiring summer break, the most anticipated premier league football in the world will kick off in less than 10 hours.

With Real Madrid going mental and bought every stars on sight, this was the most unusual season break ever. Liverpool were one of the victims...losing the influential Xabi Alonso to Florentino Perez's second wave of Galactico's.

But the team is still intact...and with United severely weakened by the departure of two of their talismans, Liverpool have a very good chance to mount a serious challenge towards the title.

I'll keep my fingers crossed for their chance this time around...maybe this is finally their season...

P/S - This will be my final posting. I'll take a long break after this...there's so much unresolved problem clogging up the arteries of my peaceful life. If left untreated, I'm afraid my future would be at harm...

I'll do some catching up with my reading...missed a lot of books lately.

So, till next time...

The Excavating Girl...

"Be kind to unkind people. They probably need it most..."

That witty remark was found in Iklil's page when I browsed her profile just now.

I haven't seen her for a year or two...after our explosive quarrel towards the end of 2007. She may had forgotten me by now...but she's still live through my mind. There's something special about her that I can't explain...maybe because we shared so much in common.

I spent some memorable time with her younger sister (Alwani) in Langkawi, thanks to Faisal. We visited Bird's Park (with that children's pass...I could never forget that) and Cenang Beach. She very much resembles her older sister.

I used to refer Iklil as "the excavating girl"...as she was so fond of excavation works. Today is her 24th birthday...I wish her all the best for the future...

My Life So Far...

I want to write on so many things...but time constrains proved too much a hindrance for me. I am a bad orator...at times, I am at lost for words to explain something...deep silence is a usual phenomenon when someone is having a conversation with me.

And even though my writing is average at best, I expressed myself better this way. People who know me through my writings understand me better compared to those who had lived with me through the years. Others liked to label me as a 'very quite person'...although I don't actually agree with their view.

I've set my birthday date as my final posting before I embark on a long vacation...to soothe my heart and soul after a long and turbulent year. There are many hurdles ahead...I've cleared some of the tough ones, and hope to overcome the few that are left standing by year-end. Don't trouble troubles until the troubles trouble you.

And when the going gets tough, I'll get going...no matter what the circumstances are. Hope I have the required strength to last all these...

The Kg Buah Pala Saga...

I've been thinking about giving the controversial Kampung Buah Pala a brief visit today...

What drama next?

Roboh ke tak roboh?


UPDATE


There were no bulldozers on sight as expected. The villagers, notably children, could be seen forming a wall on the street. They looked glum and somber. Some were sighted crying. There were a large presence of police...as well as political activists, including the newly registered PSM (Party Sosialis Malaysia)

Given my political inclination and shallow understanding of the whole issue, I'm not fit to give any view regarding their plight...but what is certain, I feel pity for them. One young boy was seen putting on a very brave face at the human shield. I heard some of them haven't attended school for days.

Hope their plight would be resolved sooner rather than later...

R.I.P...

While I was hanging around the groundfloor of QueensBay Mall last night, an incoming call alerted my attention.

It was Ah Yong...eager to know about the next badminton meeting. But I'd already cancelled the plan reluctantly...there was some difficulty finding the right number of person to fill up the quorom. Amir was in Kelantan...Shah was due for an outstation commitment in KL...the other usual suspects such as Naser, Darwis, Najid also couldn't make the trip to Paya Terubung, where we usually play on Friday.

After that brief conversation, in a rare circumstances, my handset slipped through the side of my pant's pocket...hitting the floor, bouncing twice and ended up inside a hole! I froze for a moment...murmuring to myself, in disbelief...

"What the hell had happened?"

I could see my handset inside it...but couldn't reach it with my hand. The hole is quite deep.

It's a trickery hole...by the way. Full of sharp edges, I couldn't push my hand deep enough without incurring myself with some sort of injury. But I tried anyway...I love that handset very much, for goodness sake. It was the gift of my sister...pictures, important phone numbers were all stored there.

I guessed I pushed my hand too hard inside that hole...I felt a sharp pain at the back of my palm. The moment I pulled out, there was blood all over it. I tried my luck with my left hand...but worse thing happened. The razor sharp edges slashed my hand indefinitely...leaving it full of blood.

I gave up eventually...there was nothing more I could do. Even if I managed to pull it out, it must have been severely damaged...it was soaked in water far too long. All the beautiful messages, meaningful pictures were gone. The bleeding had stopped, but my hand were full of ugly scars.

Sheikh, looking concerned with my hand's tragic condition, repeatedly asked me to wash it with Dettol to prevent infections.

I did my best to save my handset...I couldn't care much about the handset...it was its contents that were of extreme important to me. Kyra's messages and pictures...as well as Najwa's messages dating back to 2005 were all gone in split seconds. And their numbers too...

Going by the nature of it, it was a weird incident. Maybe it was some sort of sign or signal from the sky for me to stop dwelling on the past, and start concentrating on my future? I wonder...

If you were good in the past...

...can you be better in the future?

Or...you were just...past it?

It was Michael Owen who instilled my passion towards football almost 8 years ago. I became an ardent Liverpool supporter largely because of him.

I still followed his progress during his dismal stay in Madrid, and his injury-hit seasons with Newcastle.

But when he opted to join Man United, it was quite hard for me. Your once favourite player plying his trade in your most despised team? That's too much...

As they say, Form is temporary, Class is permanent. Owen is a class player, no doubt. If he was good in the past, he can be better in the future. He's not past it. Just hoping he'll lost his scoring touch temporarily when Man U meet Liverpool. I'll give my utmost support to him, but not to his new team.

And really glad Mexico gave poor U.S.A a 5-0 drubbing last night. Served them right. How dare they defeated my Spain team 2-0 in the Confederation Cup last two months?

Another Sunday...

1. I was asked by Ah Bee to stay back for work until 6 p.m. It almost ruined my day.

2. I had planned earlier to watch the FAM cup match between USM staff and Tambun Tulang FC. Kamarul was already there by 5 p.m. Shah and company were stretching their muscles inside the squash court...but I'd already told Shah I couldn't make it.

3. Arrived in USM's Stadium around 6.30 p.m. The match was still on...I could only catch few glimpses of the play from afar. Seats inside the stadium were full...the useless cheerleaders were making stupid noises from the main stand. I wondered where were the "boo boys"?

4. Witnessed the first goal. After some comical defending, USM staff conceded the first goal. 1-0 down. I saw some spectators started to leave. I slowly inched towards the squash court. I hope Shah is still there.

5. A rousing roars broke out from the grandstand. A goal was scored...but I didn't see the goal. Shah was watching the match outside the court. He looked surprise to see me. He told me the goal was scored from a direct free kick after a foul on a USM staff player. They levelled the score in less than 5 minutes.

6. The match ended in a stalemate. USM staff have a real chance of being promoted into the Premier League should they avoid defeat against Pos Malaysia next week.

7. Shimie, the third year Pharmacy student and Amar, a freshie first year chemistry student was seen playing squash inside. Malik, the PHD-bound student arrived minutes later with Lah.

8. Shimie is clearly a hardworking player. He will chase every ball right to the end. But he is 'mood-driven'...when his mood isn't right, playing with him would be a pure waste of time.

9. Amar, on the other hand, is a charge-up player. Full of energy and determination, he plays with his heart out. But his battling attitude sometimes drives him to be a bit emotional...he would scream out loud whenever he gained a point against his opponent. It was fine with me, but it irked some people.

10. It was decided among us to have another squash session tomorrow. Ah Teng had invited me yesterday to join his dad for badminton tomorrow from 7 p.m- 9 p.m...I don't think I could make it now. Earlier this evening, Darwis personally invited me and Shah to join them in Bayan Baru tomorrow...a marathon 3 hours badminton game until midnight.

11. Hafiz managed to nick the runner-up placing on his debut badminton tournament in Butterworth. He used my racket...I should claimed some of the credits then.

12. And now for the Gold Cup final...I'll support Mexico!

That "One small step for a man...

...One giant leap for mankind"

Today marks the 40th anniversary of the biggest achievement in humankind history, the landing on the moon. I just watched the ultra high revolution photos of that historic moments...it was breathtaking. It was like watching history unveils in front of your very own eyes.

Thanks to NASA, who is currently streaming the original mission audio on its website in real time. I remember spending extra time on the net in the past trying to rebutt all hoax-claimers who refused to believe that we already landed on the moon. The most popular question (after all the other scientific questions posed were easily rebutted by a team of science enthuasiasts) was

"If it (the moon landing) could be done in the past, why didn't they repeat the same feat now?"

The sole reason is economy...I guess. To send a manned spacelight in this era of economic difficulty to the moon is akin to send our hard-earned money into incinerators. It is a very costly affair. We used to have Concorde, the famed supersonic passenger airliner, in service for nearly 27 years. But Concorde no longer can afford to lose money...and it ceased operations about six years ago.

No Concorde traiblazing the sky of Atlantic ocean nowadays doesn't mean we never had Concorde in the past. The same argument can be applies on human achievements in the form of past monuments...such as pyramids, Taj Mahal, and The Great Wall of China. It is my personal belief that all these historic megastructures could be reconstructed by our modern method...but we still don't have the modern version of Taj Mahal or pyramids. Failure to do so now doesn't mean we never did that in the past.

We have achieved so much...and we want more. I hope Mars landing would become a reality in my lifetime. When I was a small child, I wanted to become an astronomer. But now that dream is out of my reach...I hope one day I'll get the chance to lay freely on meadow overseeing the night sky scattered with stars. That was my ultimate childhood dreams...and I want to fulfill it...

Another passing day...

1. Arrived very early for work today. Felt rather disappointed to find out no nasi lemak on offer. Took roti bakar instead.

2. Another boring day at work. No workload that requires urgent attention for now. Read The Sun to pass the time.

3. A piece of advertisement at the back page of The Sun caught my eyes. It splashed the Sports Toto draw results. I asked AD what "4+1", "6/52" and all sorts were really about. These things have puzzled me for ages.

4. AD pleasantly took some of his busy time off to provide me with some simple explanations. According to him, "4+1" means 4 digits followed by another number. "6/52" on the other hand means we need to pick up 6 digits out of 52. If Lady Luck was to be on our side, the right combinations could land us the jackpot, which offers the total sum payment of up to RM 5 million.

5. By this time, Su Si and Lai Kuan had already joined us. With a witty smile carved on her face, Su Si took out a piece of paper and began writing a sequence of numbers, starting from 1 to 52. She then cut each of them into tiny pieces and folded it before putting them into a small box.

6. In a rather relaxed manner, Su Si continued her eccentric act. She shook the box gracefully, and randomly picked up the number that came up on top. This was repeated by Lai Kuan and AD. I was amused by all this...they can't be serious. But I was wrong. They were indeed...serious.

7. Finally, they got three different combinations. I was tasked to give the numbers a "blessing" with my "ong" (due to my "baldness" condition, I was considered a lucky charm. Some even called me "monk"...particularly Sabri. But I took all this lightly. I found out Ah Keong had followed my action of going bald)

8. Lai Kuan placed another bet on 4D. In this stringent economic climate, any breath of hope for extra money can drive someone's imagination wild. No way they could land the prize money...they have a greater possibility of being struck by a lightning than hitting the jackpot.

9. Shah asked me for badminton together. I agreed...my off day tomorrow was retracted earlier in the afternoon. So I can't join them tomorrow.

10. There were five of us. We played in Dewan Jubli...located just across the Sungai Nibong Bus Terminal. Shah developed a bruised ankle...this greatly restricted his movements and reduced his agility. But overall it was a fun game.

11. Received a rare phone call from Miri...it was Amir. He just arrived in town. He was posted deep into secluded jungle of Borneo...only accessible by air or by a tiring 8 hours 4-wheels drive. Life was extremely hard for a battling teacher like him.

12. I missed Kyra. I hope she breezed well through her new environment. As for Najwa, I hope she copes well with her new challenge as a teacher.

13. As for my life, it's on a rough patch...and a bit tricky. But it's okay, I'm used to it...

2.30 a.m

Now it's half past two in the morning...

I miss something...and I miss somebody...

Pergi...

Sayu...terpisah...
Hikayat indah kini hanya tinggal sejarah...
Berhembus...angin rindu
Begitu nyamannya terhidu wangian kasihmu...

Hujan lebat mencurah kini...
Bagaikan tiada henti...
Kaulah laguku..kau irama terindah...
Tak lagi kudengari...

Kau pergi.....pergi.....

Sepi...tanpa kata...
Terdiam dan kaku tak daya kau kulupa...
Apa pun kata mereka...
Biarkan kenangan berbunga di ranting usia...

(Pergi - Aizat *OST Talentime*)

********************************************

Long ago I shot my bow,
Where it fell I didn't know,
Much later in a huge great oak,
I picked it up still unbroke..

Ku layangkan panah jauh ke udara,
Hilangnya jatuh entah ke mana,
Nun jauh di rimbunan serah,
Bila ku ambil tak jua patah..

(Edited from the late Adlan Benan Omar)

*********************************************

Biarkan kaki berakar di bumi...
Atau minda menjalar ke awangan...?

Dikurung indahnya madu fantasi...
Atau berdepan pahit realiti...?

Where to, Pancasara?

It's been almost two years since I set up Pancasara as my official blog. Before this, I blogged through my Friendster's blog. But some problems rose unexpectedly, forcing me to launch Pancasara prematurely on September 27, 2007.

My maiden post was just a simple description on Pancasara. I have a vivid imagination on how Pancasara was going to be structured, it's contents as well as it's direction. No pictures to accompany my posts (although I did inserted some pictures to clarify some of my postings), strictly no self-picture (I remain anonymous up until today) and no political writings.

Although I somehow strayed beyond my self-imposed guidelines sometimes, but Pancasara was still intact. It serves to project my takes on issues, my thoughts and thinking, and my going on with life at the moment. Pancasara is my official "Blogography"...an online version of my diary.

I shutted down Pancarasa temporarily twice...due to some difficult circumstances. I never really publicized Pancasara...even my close friends were kept in the dark over the existance of this blog. So I can write almost about anythings without any worry...no one knows me after all.

The second time I closed down Pancasara was the longest. It put off almost all of my silent readers...although I never knew their exact numbers. Sani once asked me why did I restricted Pancasara's access to outsiders...the question I never really answered. Sidelined by a terrible internet connection and having to endure a difficult period of uncertainty, it did crossed my mind to shut down this blog permanently.

When a certain Nurul Najwa politely asked my permission to view this blog, I decided to once again open Pancasara for public access. I broke up with Najwa almost three years ago...although I never really wanted her to leave. I love her very much after all...once a lover, forever a lover...that was my principle. She kept her silence all this years...shutting off her Friendster's account, changed her mobile number, and left me entirely blank about her well being.

It was a terrible loss...the one that single-handedly changed my life forever. First cut is the deepest...as they say. I did my best to win her heart back...but it never really saw the light at the end of the tunnel. It was love that drove me to react...but the spark of anger drove me to over-react. My over-reaction was too much for her taking...it broke her heart apart into pieces...the pieces that were almost impossible to be together as one again.

When Pancasara once again went public, I wandered around the blogosphere for fun. I accidentally found a stream of exciting blogs...notably Namyz Yuzma, Fatamorgana girlz, and Rizuan...to name a few. What makes them so exciting is the fact that they are the current generation of my much-beloved USM. They blogged freely...sharing their joy and sorrow over the net with their friends. And they turned out to be a very nice lads as well.

I've been thinking about closing down Pancasara for the third time in a row...but was still unsure about it. My new rented house provided no Internet access...and my computer keeps breaking down at crucial moments. Maybe time will decides what's next for Pancasara...

The Biggest Song Ever?

Someone on the web claimed this is one of the biggest songs ever produced.

I may not agree with him...but this surely rated as one of the most explosive songs I've ever listened to.

Served as the lead single of Nickelback's new album 'Dark Horse", this song replaced the scrapped "If Today Was Your Last Day" as the original first single.


Nickelback
Gotta Be Somebody

This time, I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life, the one we all dream of
But dreams just aren't enough
So I'll be waiting for the real thing,
I'll know it by the feeling
The moment when we're meeting, will play out like a scene
Straight off the silver screen
So I'll be holding my own breath, right up 'til the end
Until that moment when, I find the one that I'll spend forever with

Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me like that
Cause nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they're not alone
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there

Tonight, out on the street, out in the moonlight
And dammit this feels too right, it's just like deja vu
Me standing here with you
So I'll be holding my own breath, could this be the end
Is it that moment when, I find the one that I'll spend forever with

Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me like that
Cause nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they're not alone
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there

You can't give up, looking for a diamond in the rough
You never know, when it shows up, make sure you're holding on
Cause it could be the one, the one you're waiting on
Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me, ohhh

Nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know their not alone
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there
Nobody wants to be the last one there
Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there...

A farewell breakfast

It was a fine morning. I woke up a bit early...around 7.30. I missed the clash between Red Devils and Gunners last night...but from the net, I knew the result went to Devil's favour, a narrow 1-0 win.

Around 8.45, I went to the Restu Cafe. I couldn't remember the last time I've been there. I noticed a reminder sticked to the notice board. It says students were prohibited from any "Scouting" activity. And all students must abide by this law to truly achieved the status of APEX University.

What "Scouting" ? The correct term is "Squatting". And still boasting about achieving APEX status, oh my...

I rarely took breakfast...usually I have "brunch", a cross between 'breakfast' and 'lunch'. I was due to meet someone today. I took nasi lemak with teh tarik. Actually I asked Ashikin for a breakfast together...maybe our last. She still didn't show herself up, so I waited for her at one of the tables.

Ashikin asked for a dinner together a week ago. But due to my packed schedule, the plan had to be shelved temporarily. With her due to depart home tomorrow morning, this breakfast was our last resort to meet for the last time.

A few yards in front, I saw a familiar girl. Eja...my fellow state-mate, whom I first met two years ago. That day, she narrowly escaped a fatal accident because of her negligence. I told her to be extra careful in the future...maybe she heeded my advice well then. She sat in the opposite direction, so she didn't notice me.

A fairly fine morning was fast turning into a sombre one. A mild rain showered the area. There was not many people around...an array of empty tables could be spotted easily. I hate farewell in whatever forms...but we must admit, for every beginning, there must be an ending.

Ashikin arrived moments later.

"Why bought breakfast before me? I'll pay for you..." She said while smiling.

"It's ok...I'm starving already..."

"Is it? Wait I'll order mine first..."

She picked her menu and sat next to me. Since I knew her three years ago, she never sat in front of me while we're out. Maybe she's too shy. This last time around, I asked her to sit in front of me.

"It's been a while...eh? Seems to me it was just last night we went to Mc'D together, remember?"

"What last night? More like this morning to me...hehe"

"Sad to leave USM?"

"A mixed feeling...but I won't be a student anymore...sad la..."

We had a light and cheerful chat before I swayed the topic of conversation towards Fuad. Fuad is her boyfriend. But I heard nasty rumours that they already broke up. I wanted to hear her confirmation on this difficult matter...but I can't be too direct.

She looked uneasy over the matter of Fuad. After a long silence (I was doing all the talking to cover my ineptitude...shouldn't have brought up the topic in the first place...my fault) she was ready to expose the truth.

"I think I should tell you something..." she says. "We broke up quite a while ago..."

Why?

"I don't know...maybe we're not meant for each other. There were some unresolved differences...we couldn't quite patch it up..."

When?

"Since our last lunch together...remember?"

Our last lunch? That was a distant two months ago...

"During Chinese New Year, I think. He rarely messaged me...he was minding his own business. It sickened me to endure him behaving like that. I had this feeling that she still has feeling for her former lover. If only he could be frank with me..."

Be cruel to be kind?

"Something like that. No need to pamper my feeling if you're going to break it into pieces in the end. And why cry? That was uncalled-for..."

He cried? Fuad cried?

"Of course. He always did it. Maybe to gain my sympathy..."

I was left clueless by her sudden revelation...and had nothing to say to console her. She was clearly in a state of grief, and I have no idea how to soothe her feeling. After all, Fuad is my close friend as well. And it was me who matched them together in the first place.

Among girls, Ashikin will remain as my best friend ever for many years to come. She bought me "A Tale Of Two Cities", my favourite among classics, almost immediately after I told her about my preference. She organized a secret surprise party for my birthday. I heard somewhere that there was no such thing as " friendship between a boy a girl, without the interference of love". This was utter nonsense...our relationship is the ultimate proof of this fallacy.

She broke the silence moments later.

" I need to go...still have to meet somebody. Forgive me for all my misdeed or nasty behaviour...don't keep it to your heart..."

" It's ok...You've done nothing wrong...please forgive me also if I've done any wrong to you..."

"So...till we meet again...on your wedding day...ok?"

"That's a long shot away...you are before me..."

"Hehe...so bye-bye..."

She left not long afterwards. 3 years...seems to me more like 3 days. Time really flies, isn't it?

All in a day's work

One late afternoon, I received an SMS from an unknown person.

"Sorry I didn’t contact you this morning. But this SMS should be adequate…"

Contact me? I didn’t ask anybody to contact me?

"But Wanie said you left her a message asking me to contact you. You are Suhaimi, right?"

No no…I mean yes I’m Suhaimi, but I've never asked her to do anything in my favour. Who are you?

"I’m the new girl…"

I’m in a hurry right now…see you later.

"........."

The new girl? It can’t be…

Flashback a day earlier. After two days off, I was back working. I noticed a new staff standing a few yards in front of me. A very young girl in her early twenty’s.

We exchanged glances. I quite liked her. Pretty cute….but a bit tall for a girl. Judging from afar, she’s the same height as me.

I was still recovering from a serious flu infection. Out of boredom, I sat down and almost fall asleep.

Wanie came moments later. The new staff is her old friend. They were both from Chinese school. Wanie could speak better Mandarin than most of the Chinese here.

Wanie : Abang, she wants to know you!

Me : Who?

Wanie : My friend there!

Me : Haha...very funny.

Ah Ing : Ah mee aaa…come here!

Me : What’s the matter there, Ah Ing?

Ah Ing : Nothing…I’m dead bored…come talk with me. Quick!

Me : …………..

Ah Ing : You saw Ah Mad’s (Ahmad) girl there?

Me : Yeah.

Ah Ing : When’s your turn? You are not getting any younger, remember!

Me : I’m not interested…

Ah Ing : How come not interested? Don’t kay-si kay-si…

Me : I’m serious…(pulling a serious face in the process)

Ah Ing : See the new girl there? Pretty, eh?

Me : That one? (pointing finger towards Roselina. Roselina is a Chinese convert, she married a Malay man 9 years ago)

Ah Ing : Not that one…kay-si kay-si aarrr you. The Malay one there…free hair.

Me : Right…quite pretty…

Ah Ing : Not quite, very pretty loh! Go ask her number! Seize the chance! Be a true man!

Me : No way! What if her boyfriend beats me?

Ah Yong : Kannasai! Come! Tomorrow badminton, okeh?

Me : Okey…I’ll book the court tomorrow. Make sure you pick me up.

Ah Yong : After badminton, we go see Ah Kua, okeh?

Me : You go alone…I’m not involved…

Ah Yong : Kay-si kay-si aarr you. You don’t like Ah Kua meh?

Me : ………...

Syed : Mie, you noticed that girl was looking at you all this while?

Me : Why are all of you….! Are you all playing prank with me?

Syed : Hahaa

I stared at the girl one more time. They’re right…pretty cute. But in no way she would fall for me.

Almost two hours had passed. Najid came to have simple talks.

Me : That girl there…cute right?

Najid : Which one?

Me : That one there…new girl.

Najid : A’ahh

Sabri : I’ll ask Wanie to get her number! Is that ok?

Me : ……….

Ah Yong : Kannasai! Lai! Midnight movie this Wednesday?

Me : What movie?

Ah Yong : Scary one! Coming son! You better not scream!

Me : Coming soon la Yong. Not coming son. You kanine.

Ah Yong : Coming soon? Not coming son meh? Tomorrow we’ll buy ticket. I’ll pick you up.

Wanie : Abang! You really want her number?

Me : What number?

Wanie : Her number of course! Oh no…you’re blushing! Haha

Me : Where got blushing? No la…ridiculous.

Wanie : Her handset was broken. She wants you to give yours first.

Hafiz : Wait I’ll write down his number. Huhuhu.

Me : …….

(Why the hell they’re so excited is beyond me…)

End of flashback.

So I messaged her back that night.

Me : Is this your number?

Kyra : Yes…very sorry to disturb you this evening…

Me : It’s ok. But I thought your handset went missing?

Kyra : Somebody stole it. Dad gave me new one…

Me : Oh…I see. Sorry for my harsh treatment…I thought my friends want to play pranks. Who’s your name?

Kyra : Syakeera. But just call me Kyra...

I got a new friend then...

How fraud can you go?

On April 10, I received a mail from my Japanese-Australian friend, Toshi Matoi.

hi, Mi, how are you ?

this is toshi... have you recieved any message from my email account??

my hotmail account has been used by someone and at that moment, i cant open even me..

anyway, you still work at same places? i am planning to visit there again, will you be in penang or another places? will be end of June or beginning of July....

anyway hope to see you again, my friend!!


On April 16, I received this from the old Toshi's mail address.


Hello,

Sorry I didn't inform you about my traveling to UK for a program.i am in London now and am having some little difficulties here because i was robbed on my way to the hotel where my money and my bag that contains my credit cards and some other valuables was taken away.I will like you to assist me with a soft loan urgently with the sum of $1200 to sort-out my hotel bills here and to get me back home as quickly as possible. I will appreciate whatever you can afford to assist me with, I'll pay you back as soon as i return,hope to hear from you soon.


Toshi, with his thick Japanese accent, won't be able to produce a shadow comparison as the decent English writing as the above. Somebody might have sneaked into his mail account, I guess.

And this fraud guy is attempting to squeeze money out of every Toshi's contacts with foolish mail like the one mentioned above. Cheap shot, faker!

A Tough Week...

I've been struck with a powerful virus right after the much anticipated Futsal night. It was not a normal flu...it forced me to stick to bed for two consecutive days. It was a long time ago that flu prompted me to have an extra rest for a lenghty period.

I slept almost 12 hours a day for over a week, drank plenty of milk, stop surfing the internet, read dozen of magazines (mostly Shin Chan and Mingguan Wanita, donated by my sister...) and reluctantly had lunch in KFC to compensate for my loss of appetite.

I should recover fully by tomorrow...in time for a crucial badminton showdown on Monday. So far I've assembled 6 strong individuals...and the figure could rise by tomorrow. Next week's going to be a hectic week...so we'll just enjoy for the moment... :)

" Football isn't part of my life. Football IS my life"

Liverpool should be able to grab the double (maybe treble?) next season. Defeat to Chelsea last 4 days was just a minor hiccup...they'll come back stronger next season. You'll Never Walk Alone, Liverpool. We'll fly together!

Suatu 14 Februari...

14 Februari 2004, Stockholm, Nivea dan Hroistov merancang untuk balik ke Claire-Kimberly bersama-sama. Ketiga-tiganya belajar di situ. Stockholm, yang paling lambat diberitahu mengenai rancangan tersebut, tergesa-gesa menyiapkan diri seberapa segera yang termampu.

Stockholm tiba di terminal bas menjelang lewat pagi, beberapa ketika sebelum bas bertolak. Nivea dan Hroistov baru selesai menjamu selera di satu restoran dalam kawasan terminal.

Perjalanan ke Claire-Kimberly mengambil masa 2 jam setengah. Stockholm duduk bersama Hroistov…manakala Nivea duduk bersebelahan seorang yang tak dikenali.

Sepanjang perjalanan, Stockholm hanya mendiamkan diri…menghabiskan masa memandang ke luar tingkap. Pandangan Stockholm tertumpu pada deretan hijaun pohon-pohon yang memekar sepanjang jalan…bukti keindahan alam ciptaan Tuhan. Namun cuma pandangan Stockholm yang meleret pada saujana panorama hidangan alam, kerana fikirannya jauh melayang pada perkara lain. Banyak perkara bermain di fikiran Stockholm…yang kebanyakannya belum menemui jalan penyelesaian.

Sesekali, Stockholm mencuri pandang ke arah Nivea. Sejak pertama kali menemui Nivea, Stockholm sudah jatuh hati pandang pertama. Pertemuan tersebut tidak berlangsung lama, namun cukup untuk memberi kesan pada Stockholm. Kali kedua Stockholm berjumpa Nivea, semasa Stockholm berlatih di Claire-Kimberly High.

Separuh perjalanan, bas berhenti di suatu tempat untuk menurunkan penumpang. Kebetulan penumpang di sebelah Nivea turun di tempat tersebut, meninggalkan Nivea keseorangan dengan tempat duduk di sebelahnya tidak terisi.

Bas mula meneruskan perjalanan…manakala Stockholm mula berkira-kira dalam fikirannya untuk menemani Nivea, walaupun belum dizahirkan dengan tindakannya…yang kelihatan masih merenung ke luar tingkap. Selepas beberapa saat, Stockholm membatalkan niat tersebut…setelah memikirkan kurang sesuai untuk meninggalkan Hroistov bersendirian. Stockholm duduk berhampiran tingkap, manakala Hroistov berdekatan laluan tengah.

Tetapi Hroistov mula berkelakuan luar biasa…sekejap kelihatan hendak berdiri, sekejap kelihatan hendak duduk kembali. Jelas kelihatan Hroistov teragak-agak dan berkira-kira untuk bertindak sesuatu. Hroistov juga, tak tumpah seperti Stockholm, ada menyimpan perasaan pada Nivea. Jelas pada pandangan Stockholm, Hroistov ingin duduk di sisi Nivea, walaupun masih ragu-ragu.

Akhirnya Hroistov membatalkan niatnya…dan terus kekal di tempat duduk asalnya….tindakan yang melegakan Stockholm.

Setibanya di Claire-Kimberly, hari masih lagi awal petang. Stockholm, Hroistov dan Nivea mengambil peluang bersia-siar seketika di bandar. Claire-Kimberly merupakan bandar yang kecil. Jalan-jalannya tidak sebegitu sesak. Cuaca sangat baik…dengan mentari gagah menyinarkan cahayanya yang membahang.

Sepanjang mereka bersiar-siar, Stockholm hanya banyak mengikuti dari belakang. Stockholm seorang yang kurang berbual. Melihat Hroistov dan Nivea berbual mesra di hadapannya sangat memedihkan hati Stockholm. Namun semua itu dipendamkan kerana Stockholm tiada sebarang hak untuk menghalang. Stockholm sendiri masih tidak tahu apa perasaan sebenar Nivea padanya.

Sesekali, Stockholm memeriksa saku beg yang dibawanya. Dalam beg tersebut terkandung barang yang istimewa untuk Nivea. Barang penting tersebut masih tersemat dengan baik.

Nivea masuk ke sebuah kedai cenderahati. Stockhom mengikuti Nivea dengan rapat…walaupun tiada idea yang terlintas di fikirannya topik apa yang hendak dibicarakan dengan Nivea. Nivea memegang satu cenderahati kaca berbentuk bujur…dan Nivea kelihatan sangat berminat. Tidak lama kemudian, Nivea meletakkan semula kraf kaca tersebut, dan bergerak menuju Hroistov.

Stockholm memegang cendera kaca yang dibelek Nivea sebentar tadi, dengan fikiran jika Nivea berminat, Stockholm akan membelinya. Tetapi Nivea seakan tidak mengambil sebarang perhatian…dan terus berjalan dan berbual mesra bersama Hroistov.

Stockholm meletakkan kembali cendera kaca tersebut. Nivea sangat istimewa di hatinya…hinggakan apa sahaja yang istimewa di hati Nivea, akan turut istimewa di hati Stockholm. Hati Stockholm seakan diguris sedikit demi sedikit melihatkan kemesraan Hroistov dan Nivea. Barang yang tersimpan dalam beg Stockholm masih belum beralih tangan. Stockholm ingin memberinya pada Nivea…namun kehadiran Hroistov seakan menjadi batu penghalang besar.

Tiba masa untuk kembali ke Claire-Kimberly College. Di satu laluan, Nivea berhenti seketika dan memandang ke arah Stockholm.

“Kenapa perlahan sangat…dah la pakai baju merah...” katanya sambil tersenyum.

Stockholm tidak memberikan sebarang jawapan…sekadar membalas dengan senyuman. Senyuman Nivea menambahkan lagi perasaan sayang Stockholm padanya. Terdetak di hati Stockholm untuk mengambil sebutir batu yang berjajaran di sepanjang jalan, dan dilontar tepat ke kepala Hroistov. Biar terjatuh dia di pinggir jalan lalu maut dilanggar lori tanah ataupun digilis bas kilang hendaknya.

Masih belum terbuka ruang untuk Stockholm menyampaikan barangan yang ingin diberinya kepada Nivea. Nivea sangat asyik sekali berbual bersama Hroistov, menutup segala peluang Stockholm untuk mendekatinya tanpa pengetahuan Hroistov.

Namun peluang yang ditunggu-tunggu bertandang tiba juga akhirnya. Di suatu laluan, terdapat satu bangunan yang membentuk selekoh. Di suatu sudut, terdapat sebuah van yang melindungi pandangan dari selekoh tersebut. Setelah mengambil kira masa yang sesuai, Stockholm memanggil Nivea. Nivea mendekati Stockholm…sementara Hroistov baru sahaja hendak melalui selekoh. Di sebalik van tersebut, Stockholm memberikan Nivea barang tersebut…sebungkus kecil coklat Toblerone. Nivea sekadar tersenyum.

“Kenapa tak balut?”

“Tak pandai…”

Sebaik sahaja Nivea selesai menyimpan hadiah tersebut, Hroistov muncul.

“Ada apa?“

“Tak ada apa...” jawab Stockholm ringkas.

Niatnya sudah dilangsaikan. Hanya hadiah kecil tersebut yang mampu diberikan Stockholm kepada Nivea. Stockholm sendiri tidak pasti sejauh mana hadiah tersebut akan memberi kesan kepada Nivea. Yang pasti perasaannya pada Nivea sangat mendalam, walaupun Nivea mungkin tidak sedar...

* Berdasarkan kisah benar
* Skor 2 bijik gol futsal tadi. First time main dah digelar " Torres". Dua kali main mesti taraf Maradona.
* Balik rumah kurang dari 5 jam lagi. Yeah!

Futsal, and back home...

1. On Friday, the badminton session went on as scheduled.

2. There were regular outfit such as Ah Yong Kanasai, Hafiz and me. Malik eventually turned up, together with Anip 'the coach'. Ah Yong's minor foot injury seemed to subside...it cost me three 100 plus last week for our losses.

3. Amir was the first person to arrive. Adam unexpectedly turned up several minutes later. In the end, as many as ten people were there...far exceeded my early estimate. Even Lah and Farid came to join the crowd.

4. When I first been toying with the idea of badminton, it never crossed my mind it would be such a success. Ah yong was the one responsible for making it a weekly affair.

5. When I proposed the idea of Futsal, it was warmly received. Hafiz and Amir even bought a new pair of boot to prepare for the game. We approached big brother Kamarul for his insights. He is the best ‘Futsaller’ I’ve ever seen, despite his physical attributes. For such a big body frame, he is extraordinarily fast and skilful.

6. I asked Acap, my former dormitory leader to join the fray. A Mathematics graduate of UMS, he was noted for his leadership quality while in KMK. He initially agreed to turn up, but he politely asked to include his own friends in the process. He would bring along his own group to compete with us.

7. After much consideration, I accepted his request. We lack individuals to make up the numbers…and I was equally afraid by the thought that Kamarul might call his Indian counterpart to compensate for the lack of participant. They are very skilfull, I watched them once. We will be outplayed to no end by them.

8. Futsal is my weak point. I can play anything as long as it involves my hand, be it badminton, squash, tennis or even hockey, but my leg fails me terribly. I can’t even kick a ball properly. How on earth would I perform tomorrow? I hope it all goes smoothly…

9. My two days off application had been granted. It was almost half a year since I've been back. I miss my lovely house, my family. I miss everything. As they say, time flies. Ten years ago I was still a small boy. And now I still craved to return to the good old days. When I was free...free of any worries, free of expectations, free of any daunting task, free of all the hassle and bustle that crept up and haunted me almost everyday.

10. But life do offers some bright hope. Watching smiling faces on the street is a big relief. Life is unfair...but life is unfair to everybody. So life is fair after all. It doesn't matter if you were born fat, pretty, short, ugly, idiot, or even Einstein...if you live your life to the fullest, it more than makes up all your apparent shortcomings. Dream your life, and live your dreams. Do what you love, and love what you do. After all, we are just a normal human being. With the need to love, and the need to be loved.

11. And it makes me think of the one that had left me behind in pursuit of her love, and the one that I'd left behind in pursuit of my life. Throughout my course of life, I've done many wrongs, committed countless sins, hurt many hearts. I humbly ask forgiveness for all my wrongdoings. I can't change the past, the best I can do is to correct my past mistakes, and paint a better future.